11 Things NOT to Say to a New Mom Postpartum

I had been planning on writing my birth story today, but as I sat down to write I realized something more important needed to be addressed. Let’s dive into 11 things not to say to a new mom (or any mom!) postpartum… because common sense and manners aren’t so common today.

This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. Please read our disclosure policy.

Buckle up folks, because today we’re gonna be getting a little spicy. This postpartum mama is feeling all the things, and oftentimes writing it all down makes it feel just a little bit better. Plus, I’m sure there are a few people out there who could benefit from some reminders about good manners!

I’m guessing some other mamas out there will completely agree with me, too. 

Here are some things you shouldn’t say to a new postpartum mom…

“You need to relax.”

I’m gonna go out on a limb on this one and assume people mean no harm by this. But has telling someone to relax actually ever helped them relax? Has that worked for you when you’re tired, stressed, and battling new emotions as you transition into the biggest new role of your life? I didn’t think so. Instead ask her how you can help her relax and offer to take some stress off her shoulders.

“Why don’t you just put them in the crib/swing/bassinet/bouncer?”

This one gets under my skin like no other. Babies always will prefer being with mom or dad over being put in a box or a swing constantly. Lest we forget, babies are humans and will always prefer comfort and connection. If I have the time, I will always choose to hold my newborn. And if I need to get sh*t done, I’ll babywear him so we have close contact while I cook, clean, or run errands. He naps and gets body contact with me and I’m able to be productive.

Believe me, I absolutely put my newborn baby down in his mini crib each night to sleep. And if I’ve been snuggling him long enough and need to do something alone, I have no problem transitioning him over into his bassinet to finish off his nap. It’s not realistic for him to be on me 24/7. 

But I’m not going to deny my baby love and attention when it’s so easy for me to just let him be with me anyway. Newborns all want to be with mama as much as possible. That is completely normal. We are biologically designed to be that way for a reason. Newborns are helpless and rely on their parents constantly. 

Additionally, the baby is still transitioning into the new world for months after birth and does not understand they’re separate from their mother until about nine months of age. (Yes, that’s a fact you’re welcome to research on your own.) 

Mothers need their babies closeby to feel assured and to keep baby safe. Babies need to be closeby to feel attached and secure to mom. It helps tremendously with bonding and preventing postpartum depression/anxiety, and it helps keep mom’s milk supply steady by giving her the added oxytocin boost. Nature intended it to be this way–it’s how we were designed to be.

That being said, I have no interest in judging the mom with twins or other small children running around who so heavily relies on putting their baby down into a swing or bouncer for a bit while they tend to the other kids or tidy up the house or whatever. Babywearing isn’t for everyone. People can do what works for them. But I will not let someone criticize me for caring for my baby the way I know he needs to be cared for. I know what’s best for him and I.

Besides, securely attached babies grow up to be more independent, secure adults, so there’s that too. 

“Are you breastfeeding/formula feeding?”

How a baby is fed is not your business, as long as the baby is being fed! I am a huge proponent for breastfeeding and factually speaking, breastmilk does have physical benefits tha formula does not. Even with today’s science and technology, formulas can’t replicate the antibodies and other amazing properties of breastmilk’s nutritional content. These are just plain facts. 

However, it is neither mine nor anyone else’s business, except for the mom’s, how she is feeding her child. Many women choose formula for very good reasons, just as many choose to breastfeed. Judgment is the last thing that needs to be involved with feeding a child. 

And while we’re at it, can we normalize that exclusively pumping is also breastfeeding AND that breastfeeding along with formula supplementation is perfectly fine too? It’s not an all or nothing approach and these options need to be supported just as much as the other two.

Bottom line: How a woman feeds her baby can be a deeply personal decision, especially when things don’t go as planned. Don’t grill her about her choices and why she’s made these decisions. I promise she’s doing the best she can.

“Don’t worry, you’ll lose the weight.”

Oh my goodness, why does everything have to be about weight these days? Society is so obsessed with looks and what they perceive as “health.” Currently, health guidelines dictate that BMI and weight are only a sliver of our overall health, and people (including medical professionals) in the past have vastly overestimated weight’s impact on health. Lifestyle factors are much more significant factors of long-term health. 

As far as looks are concerned, why would you possibly be so concerned with how another woman looks so soon after giving birth, or at all for that matter? Weight is the least interesting thing about a person. 

A total of zero postpartum women want you commenting on their body after they just spent nine months growing a human. Weight takes nine months to put on and could realistically take even longer to get it off. Not every woman will even lose the weight, by the way, especially if she is breastfeeding during this time. Bodies inevitably change. Move along with your day without making a comment.

Instead, a “you look great” will suffice. Better yet, compliment her on how great of a mom she is! She will appreciate that most.

“You don’t have postpartum depression/anxiety do you?”

Well, that just got super personal! I understand wanting to show care towards mom. In fact, I encourage that. We want to be asked how we are doing and not just how the baby is doing. Because we are humans too! 

We should absolutely support women who are experiencing mental health difficulties during the postpartum period, too. But asking overly personal questions right off the bat or assuming someone has a certain condition is plain rude. 

“Did you have an unmedicated birth/epidural/c-section?!”

Even questions about mom’s birth experience can come off as rude. I personally love hearing birth stories, but not everyone wants to share them. Many women experience birth trauma and won’t want to bring it up or will want to wait to talk about it on their own terms. She may want to process what happened mentally before talking about it. Or she may never be ready to share details. Respect that.

If she does want to share, don’t compare her to others. Every birth is so unique. Comparing her story to yours or someone else you know is not helpful. If she does want to share this delicate information, listen and listen only. Don’t compare and contrast. JUST LISTEN. 

“Where are his socks/hat/jacket?”

If I had a dollar for every time I heard this from an older adult… They are so overly concerned about babies getting cold.

If my six week old is inside my 72ºF living room and he’s in a onesie with pants and laying against my chest (which provides additional body warmth), I promise you he’s okay without socks for a bit. 

Most babies will let it be known loud and clear if they’re physically uncomfortable and will shiver at the least if cold. The reality is that babies are in more danger of overheating than being too cold. These are facts so please quit being overly dramatic about a baby needing additional layers of clothing indoors 24/7. It’s not always necessary. 

“How is the baby sleeping?”

Did I really have someone ask me this when our baby was days old? Yes, yes I did. 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never met a newborn who sleeps great from day one. Babies don’t operate on schedules until they’re older. Getting into routines is good over time, but strict schedules are not realistic for newborns, so asking a parent this is honestly just puzzling. Do you expect a “yeah, my child is in bed promptly at 8 p.m. each night and sleeps a solid 8 hours straight and we are getting the best sleep of our lives!” ? 

I know the person who asked me this had good intentions and was likely even just making conversation. Maybe she has forgotten over the last 20+ years since birthing a baby. Maybe she wanted to offer sound advice (but again, most new parents are too overwhelmed with “advice” and will ask you if they need to know something). 

All I know is that it wasn’t a helpful question and I’m willing to bet most moms don’t want to detail how much sleep they’re losing and how many times baby wakes each night.

“You look tired.”

Really? You’re kidding me… Me, tired? All new parents will be tired for probably those first few years of their child’s life. This is inevitable. Don’t remind them. They’re tired because they’re doing their jobs as parents and putting in major work 24/7. Move along without making this comment.

“It’s a first time mom thing, they just get overprotective.”

First of all, being overprotective of a newborn isn’t a thing. Infants are defenseless and need their parents, mom especially, physically and emotionally. Protection is in our DNA and you can’t tell us otherwise. 

If keeping my newborn close bothers you or makes you insecure, maybe you just aren’t up to date on current research about what babies really need. Hint, hint: It’s not the latest and greatest toys and swings with all the bells and whistles! It’s love and affection.

I promise you, protecting a newborn is mom’s top priority and I guarantee you were the same when you first became a parent. Any parent who wasn’t protective of their new baby would seriously raise some major red flags. Telling a mom she’s overreacting to everything is so highly dismissive and just plain rude. 

The truth is newborns are delicate and do require special care. They can’t be spoiled too much by mama or dad, ever. (Remember, we’re talking about babies under two months old, not 13-year-old teenagers…) It’s okay for babies to be kept close and for parents to be cautious. Mothers should be allowed to mother without being mocked or criticized with judgment. 

“When can I babysit?”

Well, that’s awfully presumptuous of you to assume you’ll be left alone with my baby! Ha, these are the exact thoughts that go through my head when someone says this to me. It’s not that I’ll never let my child be watched sometime in the future, but to assume anyone will hand over a newborn is very bold. Most moms aren’t ready for that and will not want that until they’re a certain age. This is normal. 

Accepting boundaries sooner rather than later will do a relationship wonders and help build trust so mom does trust you with her child when she’s ready. Remember, the more you push or overstep the longer it’ll likely be. Instead of constantly asking, which will likely make mom feel uneasy, try just being a supportive family member. She will let you know when she’s ready. Promise.

And a quick FYI, I have close relationships with my nieces and nephew who I’ve never demanded a set schedule of play dates with or demanded alone time with. We’re close because when I do make the conscious effort to go visit them, I spend quality time with them. 

It’s not from being alone with them or seeing them x amount of times per month. It’s about making time together count. Besides, bonds with extended family are naturally created over time as children grow older. Babies need their parents first and foremost, though. 

Final thoughts…

Really, this all boils down to being a kind, empathetic, respectful individual. If you’ve ever given birth, what did you want to hear from others to encourage and uplift you? What comments only made you feel worse? Remember these times and treat other women with the same care you wish you had received. 

All too often I hear about women from older generations who feel that since they had to endure harsh criticisms from their mothers in law, own mothers, grandmothers, aunts, etc. that it’s their job to pass these criticisms on to younger women now as they become moms. Not at all the approach that should be taken. It reminds me of the phrase “Hurt people hurt people.” 

You can consciously choose to do better though.